Moments
by wontstoptilwesurrender
Summary: Eli breathed for that moment in time so he could tell Clare everything before she left him.


**3 am. No sleep. Youtube and Tumblr. This came to be. Yay. Inspired by 'Moments' - One Direction. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi, or One Direction :)**

**Hope you enjoy!**

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><p>"I just want to be with you tonight."<p>

The way he said it broke her heart into a few hundred pieces. It was impossible to deny that time was running out, fading slowly but surely. Eli Goldsworthy could be hard-hearted, sarcastic, and a billion other things but he couldn't hide his feelings. He was an open book, especially when he was around Clare Edwards. She could tell his mood by just looking into his eyes. She knew what he was thinking in that moment and it caused her more than just physical pain.

"I don't...know if that's possible," she whispered, sitting up slightly in bed. She gently propped herself up against soft pillows, using the energy she had left. "It would be best if you go home and rest."

Eli sighed, sitting cautiously on the edge of Clare's bed. He didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but he did want to be close enough for her to feel him. "I don't want rest. I don't need it. What I _want_ is to be with you here, just for this moment we have."

"You're only making it harder," she murmured coldly, her glow of her blue eyes diminishing as the seconds ticked. "The more time you spend with me, the harder it'll be when I'm gone. You won't be able to let go of all the memories, and they'll haunt you. I don't want them to haunt you, I don't want you to be plagued by nightmares. Why can't you understand that, Eli? Why can't you just leave?"

He smiled sadly, shaking his head and shrugging. "The thing is...I know I won't let you go. I won't ever forget these moments, no matter how painful they are. I know..that once...you're g-gone this will all be hell for me. I won't be able to get through the day, I'll be dead but I won't be with you. And as much as I wish I could walk away, I'm really glad I can't. It kills me when I see you...in pain, suffering, and there's nothing I can do about it, but there's no way I'm leaving you. I don't care if you have ten minutes left or ten years, I swear to you, I won't leave your side. I can't turn back time, but I won't waste what I have."

Tears flowed down Clare's face, streaking her pale cheeks with salty water. She woke up every morning and told herself to be strong but whenever Eli spoke to her like that, her wall fell down and she broke apart. It was undeniable; he affected her in every way imaginable, and that's how she wanted to remember him, if it was possible to remember anything after death.

"Please don't cry," Eli whimpered, hurrying over to her side and pulling her close carefully, making sure don't to hold her too tight as to not bruise her precious skin. Clare let him hold her, her face finding its way to the crook of his neck where she inhaled his scent. If it were possible, Clare wanted to die that way, Eli's scent filling her nostrils and his arms around her weak body. It was heaven in a place where hell was sure to take over. Her body trembled; she wouldn't admit it to herself but deep down she knew she was scared of dying. How does it feel? Does it hurt? Questions roamed her mind endlessly, sending her into panic attacks that ended in tears most of the time.

Clare found out about her sickness not long after her seventeenth birthday. It felt horrible to receive those news on what was supposed to be a normal check-up. The doctor said there was an abnormal number of white cells collecting in her body, something that definetly wasn't healthy. Leukemia, the silent killer that drained away Clare's life, her energy, and her happiness. For weeks, she pondered on who to tell about the cancer. She had practically no friends; Alli was gone for good, and Jenna hadn't been a friend to begin with. The only person she had thought of was Adam. He was the first person from Degrassi to find out about her leukemia, something that made her feel more at ease. The burden to living with leukemia and having no one outside of the close family know was killing her until she spoke to Adam. He had been shocked; she had always been a healthy girl, but then again, the worst things happen to the best people.

Adam had convinced her to tell Eli not long after he had found out himself. Telling her ex-boyfriend had been the hardest thing in the world for Clare at the moment. She had no idea how the words escaped her lips but they did, killing Eli from the first second. He had taken her into his arms, whispering bittersweet lullabies in the dark of the night.

They didn't get back together, though. With Clare's constant doctor appointments and Eli's college life at U of T, it was difficult to maintain a steady relationship. It hurt, too. Every single time they saw each other, things didn't get any better. Clare's health was deteriorating by the day and Eli was failing most of his classes. She had lost a lot of weight and her skin had turned pale, something Eli dreaded. He loved the way Clare looked before the leukemia and it just pained him to see her looking less like herself. He didn't mind, though, because she was beautiful in his eyes no matter what.

Moments were they held each other were filled with numb silences that echoed in the room. Their hands wandered to each others faces. Eli wanted to memorize the feel of Clare's lips, the curve of her waist, the freckles on the bridge of her nose. He wanted to always remember the way she sighed contently when he would play with her cinammon curls. Clare wanted to remember the way Eli's lips trembled under her nimble fingertips, the way his eyelids fluttered when she would lay her head on his chest.

"Your mom doesn't mind me being here anymore," Eli commented, breathing in the scent of Clare's hair.

"She wants me to be happy while I can."

He chuckled sadly, "She should've allowed this months ago. It would've been...amazing."

"I agree," her voice filled with melancholy echoed. "If I had been diagnosed before...maybe there would be more time to allow stuff."

Eli looked down at her and smirked. "My dear Clare, diagnosed or not, I would have spent every single day by your bed side waiting for you to get better. That's what I'm doing now, and what I'll be doing forever."

"You're going to find someone else," she accused softly. "I don't blame you. Once I die, you will return to college, find a pretty college girl, fall in love with her, and marry her. It's like the cycle of life. One love dies, another is born."

"I won't -"

"Even if you don't want to fall in love with someone else right now, it'll still happen," she interrupted, looking at him with her deep blue eyes. "Right now, we're both living for the moment and it feels great, doesn't it? The doctors give me less than three weeks. I'll be gone before you now it and life will go on. You refuse to accept the fact that you will fall in love again but it will happen, that I am sure of.. I truly am sorry."

"Why are you sorry, silly girl?" Eli questioned, his eyebrows knitting together.

"You lost your first love when you were fifteen. Julia didn't deserve to die but she did. I'm sure you swore you'd never love again, but you did. And it'll happen again. I'm sorry to leave you. You don't deserve to go through this again, it's just not fair."

"Life isn't fair, Clare," Eli stammered. "Life can be a real bitch at times, but it's all about what we make of it with our time. After Julia's death, I promised to never love again and that failed because I met you. I don't regret it for one second, not one. Before I can even think about loving someone who isn't you, I'd rather die."

"Don't even say that, Elijah," Clare reproached, raising her body away from his with surprising strength. "Dying seems to easy but it isn't when it's your life on the line. When I die, I want to die alone, not with you following right behind me."

"You can't stop me," Eli smirked, leaning in close to Clare. It was moments like these when she was back to her old, feisty self and he loved those moments more than anything. Their lips were mere inches apart but Eli made no move.

"Remember when we filmed that stupid _Romeo and Juliet_ scene in English?" he wondered out loud.

"Of course, how could I forget?" Clare giggled. "I won't ever forget that day."

He leaned in a little closer, nearly touching his nose to hers. "Maybe we should make a sequel. Or reenact it."

Clare's lips pulled up into a tiny smile and she nodded. Their eyes closed and their lips found each other in a moment of innocent love, pure of the evils of the world, and Clare couldn't have it any other way. It's like they were made for each other, their lips moving in perfect sync against each other. It left Clare more breathless than she already was. Her heart pounded furiously in her chest and she felt herself grow lightheaded but she refused to pull away from Eli.

He finally pulled his face away from hers, panting for oxygen. Clare was a bit disappointed but glad, because she was running out of air real fast. Her face was flushed and her eye wide and alive. That was the Clare Eli couldn't take his eye off of. He gazed at her lovingly and brushed her curls back. Much of her hair had fallen in the past months due to chemotherapy but that didn't take away her beauty. She complained about how losing her hair made her hideous but Eli made sure to remind her she was beautiful every day.

"We should go to sleep," Clare whispered hoarsely, her fingers shaking as they straightened out her shirt. "I'm tired and you...maybe you should get going."

"I hate this," Eli said finally, his eyes closing with the tears burning in his eye lids. "I hate how you're pushing me away when all I want is to be by your side. I'm not going to leave, Clare! I don't want to leave you, not now and not ever. I just...I don't want to wake up and get a phone call about you not being...well. If you leave me, I want to be the last person you see. I'm breathing for this moment in time, just this moment when things are okay. I can't live without you. I can't."

His voice shook and tears ran down his face. He ran out of words to prove his unconditional love. He ran out of reasons to stay but he wouldn't leave, unless she really begged for it. He only wanted to make her happy and if leaving was the trick he'd do it. He would do anything just to see Clare smile a little more, laugh a little harder, and be a tad more happy.

"I don't want you to go, but I can't have you stay," Clare said, her voice breaking. She pulled away from him and sat on the opposite end of the bed. Moonlight streaked into the room in pallid waves, lighting half her face. She shut the lights, making the room dimmer. It made nighttime more appealing. "Whenever you stay, you tell me that you'll die with me. That's the last thing I want. And don't even say that it's not true, because every single time you visit me, you say that you'll jump from your roof. You'll swallow some pills, get run over by a car. I don't want to hear it, Eli. I don't want you to die because I will."

He crawled slowly to her side and kissed her cheek, holding her hand tightly, "I'm sorry I say those things. I can't picture myself without you. I can't see myself living if you're gone. My life is you, Clare, my love is you. I wish life would give us one more day so we could turn back time. So that I could appreciate those happy times with you. I love you."

"Promise me you won't hurt yourself when I die," she said softly, looking into his emerald eyes shiny with tears.

His bit his lip and shook his head. "I can't promise you that. I'll promise anything but that."

She nodded and frowned, "Okay. That's fine."

He kissed her lips one last time and pushed her down gently against the pillows. He was careful with her skin, knowing it bruised far too easily. He wound his arms around her body protectively, his lips on her ear. "I love you, Clare Edwards, don't you forget that."

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><p>The next morning, Eli awoke to the sight of a pale, cold Clare who was no longer breathing. Her curls were sprawled out on the pillowcase and her lips were slightly open, as if gasping for one last breath. Eli didn't know what to do, what to say so he cried. He cried like never before because he knew Clare wasn't going to wake up again. He wouldn't see her baby blue eyes open ever again, he wouldn't hear her melodious voice, or feel the warmth of her skin. She was gone and there wasn't a single thing he could do to wake her up.<p>

It hit him then that no one else in the house knew that she was gone. He crawled away from the bed and held her hand one last time, squeezing it with a hope that she would move. He let go and reached for the door, opening it to find Jake outside the threshold, holding a glass of orange juice.

"I thought you might need this," he said, pushing the glass into Eli's fingers and closing his eyes. "She...she got up last night and talked to Helen, my father, and I. She told us it was time...and not to interrupt her in the moments she had with you. Clare...wrote y-you a letter. It's with Helen."

Eli swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. He couldn't believe Clare had woken up the night before and he hadn't noticed, hadn't stopped her.

"Helen's downstairs, she told me to make sure you came down with me," Jake said quietly, his brown eyes shiny with unshed tears. He looked past Eli and into the room, giving a final, weak smile. "She looks beautiful. That's how I want to remember her."

Eli ignored Jake and followed him down the stairs, coming into the kitchen to face Helen. Her face was blotchy red and her eyes puffy. In a second, she came to the realization that Eli was in front of her and threw his arms around his torso.

"Thank you, Elijah," Helen cried into his shoulder. He put his arms awkwardly around her and gave her a confused look. "Thank you so much for sticking by Clare. If it weren't for you, she would've been gone long ago. But you kept her living if only for a few more hours. Everything you did.. I have no idea how we can ever repay you. Anyone else would have left her bedside in a heartbeat but not you. You're an angel, Eli Goldsworthy, and I am thankful that my daughter found someone like you to love and to be loved by. I hope you know that."

Eli felt numb hearing this. He wasn't used to praise especially not from a woman who he was sure despised him. Her words were heartfelt and brought tears to his eyes once again. "Ms. Edwards, I didn't do a thing. Clare is...was a brave little soldier. I didn't do anything."

"You gave her the hope that she would be okay," Glen interrupted, walking up behind Helen who pulled away from Eli. "We can't thank you enough, young man. You've done so much for this family."

Eli didn't know what to say. His mind was a mess, an illogical heap of memories in the mix of emotions and devastation. He wanted to sleep but knew he wouldn't be able to. If he closed his eyes for more than just a second, he knew Clare would be in his dreams, bringing tears to his eyes and cries to his lips. He had to be strong, at least in front of others. "I should get going. I-I... thank you for allowing me to stay here, Ms. Edward, Mr. Martin. I'll see you around."

Eli walked away from them before they could say another word, but Helen stopped him.

"Clare left you something," she said in a teary voice.

He swallowed hard, "Can I get it at the.. funeral?"

She nodded and closed her eyes to stop the tears. "Of course, dear. Go home and rest."

Eli walked out the door and into the dim light of the morning. His feet dragged down the sidewalk and his eyes wandered down the line of houses. People with happy lives were sleeping soundly in their rooms, or maybe making breakfast for the kids. They were content with their lives and he remembered when he was one of them. One of the people okay with their lives and looking forward to another day. They were glad to be alive and healthy and they took much for granted. They took the early morning sunlight for granted, the singing birds, the way the sky looked perfectly clear in one of these May mornings. All those people - he was one of them long ago. He took every breath for granted but now, everything was different. He wasn't sure if he was glad to be alive or wishing for death. He walked aimlessly, nearly crashing into a morning jogger who yelled at him to watch where he was going. His feet dragged him to unknown places as the day wore on. The heat of the sun burned down on his shoulders but this time he didn't care. He made his way to a construction site that read 'No Trespassing.' He pushed the metal chain-link fence open and stepped inside. It was too early for workers to be there, but late enough so that he would be careful of watchful eyes.

Eli made his way to the actual construction site. It would be a new apartment complex right on the edge of town, overlooking a lake. It was the strangest sight ever, but lovely nonetheless. The apartment complex would basically be on a cliff, giving it a dangerous look if anyone decided to jump. That's exactly what Eli wanted to do. He wanted to end the numbness he felt in the pit of his stomach. It had been less than two hears since he woke to find Clare gone and he couldn't live one more second like this. His knees grew weak as he walked closer to the edge, his toes peering down at the sight below. It was quite a pretty sight, a small lake some thirty feet below the edge. Eli smiled sadly. He wanted to be with her again, to hear her voice and touch her skin and know she was alive.

"I just wanted this moment," he cried, his hands shaking as his feet inched closer to the edge. "I wanted to be with you, Clare."

A thousand memories filled his mind in that instant, from the first time he looked into her blue eyes to the first time he said 'I love you.' He remembered the way she scrunched up her nose when laughing, the way her arms would wrap around his waist pulling him closer. The way her voice made him smile, and her laugh. It was all a blur as he felt himself falling. Falling into nothing and everything at the same time. The morning breeze lifting his hair up above his head and his fingers feeling the warmth of the sunlight. He felt excited, because he'd be with Clare soon, real soon.

His legs hit the cool water and he let himself sink lower into the dark water. He was cold and tired, tired of fighting for what was already lost. He sank down, closing his eyes and breathing in water, not air. His lungs filled with liquid and his ears rang. That was the end.

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><p><strong>so..how was it? :D<strong>


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